I'm scared shitless to become once again that angry, bitter, grumpy bitch I was 3 years ago. I woke up today to find myself reacting the same discusting way I did when I was back in Curitiba and America - someone who has a permanent sulky, sullen expression in the eyes, someone who complains quietly about the circunstances and gets upset when no one guesses what's going on. I don't want to be that shit person anymore. I don't like myself that way. I feel sorry for myself when I walk around so full of bitterness and rage, and that's the worst feeling I could have.
I don't want to be around people that remind me of my old self. I don't want to. Is that too much to ask? Would it be spoiled and immature to pack my stuff and run away? I'm tired of running away, fleeing from country to country to forget my past and to be away from people that remind me of how unlikable I am.
What makes me even angrier is that I want to turn to someone that tells me I'm right to be angry and bitter and upset because it's not my fault that things are not happening the way I want to. This is so, so dangerous, because I know I'm capable of doing things to make me feel better that I'll never be proud and will surely regret later - and I won't be able to do anything about it, because they are done. And worse than a bitter old lady is a spoiled brat - and I have both in me. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I just wish I could fuckin calm myself down, and think reasonably. Or in a perfect world, I wish I could never have these feelings again.