Uglification of England

I've got a confusing love affair with cigarettes. For 13 years I've been smoking them, but never obssessively - almost only when i'm socialising, almost always accompanying a drink. However, since I was 12 i have had quite an eventful social life, which means I have smoked quite a lot during many, many weekends of more than half of my life. But i never became a proper smoker due to two main reasons: cigarettes out of context (social scenarios/following alcoholic drinks/night time) make my stomach turn, and also in excess make me literaly sick. I've got chronic bronquites since I was a child, which in times of crisis makes me stay FAR away from cigarettes.

But I've been thinking about cigarettes quite a lot for the past few weeks. Well, since my big stint at hospital last month, when I had a full-on ashma attack and boyfriend J. prohibited me to even look a cigarette - or he would leave me to die in hospital alone. I thought I would be alright, but then something changed: for once in my life i started craving Vogue cigarettes, the little menthol polish stick wonders. Then, I started going out again, having alcohol in quite big quantities, and the craving got worse - specially after J. decided to stop me by force if needed.

Then, the smoking ban is coming to the country in less then 2 months. I thought this was going to put a stop at my craving, but then every time I go out I think "how this is going to be without smoke"?

Now the Guardian, my favourite paper, publishes a special report on cigarretes - and most of the articles are PRO-smoking! There's all these smart people saying how they've always loved tobacco and how they will keep smoking till the bitter end. Even my hero of the moment, David Hockney, wrote today a piece on how he smokes for his mental health and how "the uglification of England is under way by people with no vision."

Am I being weak here? With all these forces pushing me in the opposite direction, I don't think my confusing love affair with cigarettes will end anytime soon.

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